Weigh-tloss Starts: NOW!

So, I know that I have said SOOO many times about how badly I want to lose weight. Right now I'm kicking myself in the ass for saying it but not DOING it. I've always put it off and wished for things to just magically happen, but in reality that's not how it works. I'm not some rich-bitch who can afford to take all the weight-loss pills and drink all the fancy-shmancy diet shakes. NO! I'm just me, a girl who has the will power to lose weight naturally. And it's not all about looks, or the number on the scale, it's about my happiness and being healthy. My weight is not good for my heart, my lungs, or my joints. If I were to keep gaining weight I would be at risk for so many health issues like heart disease, diabetes, etc... So this is for me, and only me. No matter who does, or doesn't , read this blog I am going to try to track everything at least once a week or more! Also to keep any readers up-to-date!: I am looking for a new job, I am back on track with my best friend, and my girlfriend and I are doing wonderfully. We just celebrated out 10 months a week ago.

My Specialty is Not Being Good Enough.

Seriously though? I'm applying for jobs, I'm working hard in school, and all you can do is criticize me. All the time. I just go to you for advice, and you tear me down. What do you want me to do? I'm sorry I can't get a cushy job like you. Working in an office anytime you want, copying and pasting things into cells, or babysitting for some rich people who give you huge amounts of money. Or parents who pay your insurance and for your gas. Why do I always disappoint you? I give you everything. I give you my time, presents, and most importantly ALL OF MY LOVE. Maybe I should just stop buying you all the gifts, and buying you snacks.

Who I want to be.

I wish I wasn't so fat. I wish I was smaller so I was prettier. I wish I looked like her.

I hate myself.

I hate myself. I hate myself. I hate myself.

Stuck Inside Myself

Lately I feel trapped. Trapped within my depression, trapped within my darkness, trapped without knowing how to get out. I love and I laugh, but some-days it's really not enough. I just wish I knew how to be happy more often. Then I wouldn't have so many doubts about myself. Then I would have motivation. and then that motivation would help me lose weight helping me be happy. THE CIRCLE NEVER ENDS.

Awkward Moments and Depression

Ugh. So I had a sleepover with one of my friends last night, and she has a crush on me. Why the hell does she have a crush on me?! I don't think I'm at all attractive, I don't know what she sees. Plus I have a girlfriend, who I love very very much. I miss her like crazyy, and I think she's losing feeling for me. It sucks. and I know I'm crazy and that she loves me lots, I just wish I knew what I could do to make her more affectionate. She is a lot of the time in person when it's just the 2 of us, but when we're around people she's not, even though she says she loves PDA. Urgh. I think if I was skinnier, everything would be better and fixed. I hate myself for eating. Blehh. :/

What I See When I Look in the Mirror

Yeah. This is how I feel some days.