Weigh-tloss Starts: NOW!

So, I know that I have said SOOO many times about how badly I want to lose weight. Right now I'm kicking myself in the ass for saying it but not DOING it. I've always put it off and wished for things to just magically happen, but in reality that's not how it works. I'm not some rich-bitch who can afford to take all the weight-loss pills and drink all the fancy-shmancy diet shakes. NO! I'm just me, a girl who has the will power to lose weight naturally. And it's not all about looks, or the number on the scale, it's about my happiness and being healthy. My weight is not good for my heart, my lungs, or my joints. If I were to keep gaining weight I would be at risk for so many health issues like heart disease, diabetes, etc... So this is for me, and only me. No matter who does, or doesn't , read this blog I am going to try to track everything at least once a week or more! Also to keep any readers up-to-date!: I am looking for a new job, I am back on track with my best friend, and my girlfriend and I are doing wonderfully. We just celebrated out 10 months a week ago.

My Specialty is Not Being Good Enough.

Seriously though? I'm applying for jobs, I'm working hard in school, and all you can do is criticize me. All the time. I just go to you for advice, and you tear me down. What do you want me to do? I'm sorry I can't get a cushy job like you. Working in an office anytime you want, copying and pasting things into cells, or babysitting for some rich people who give you huge amounts of money. Or parents who pay your insurance and for your gas. Why do I always disappoint you? I give you everything. I give you my time, presents, and most importantly ALL OF MY LOVE. Maybe I should just stop buying you all the gifts, and buying you snacks.

Who I want to be.

I wish I wasn't so fat. I wish I was smaller so I was prettier. I wish I looked like her.

I hate myself.

I hate myself. I hate myself. I hate myself.

Stuck Inside Myself

Lately I feel trapped. Trapped within my depression, trapped within my darkness, trapped without knowing how to get out. I love and I laugh, but some-days it's really not enough. I just wish I knew how to be happy more often. Then I wouldn't have so many doubts about myself. Then I would have motivation. and then that motivation would help me lose weight helping me be happy. THE CIRCLE NEVER ENDS.

Awkward Moments and Depression

Ugh. So I had a sleepover with one of my friends last night, and she has a crush on me. Why the hell does she have a crush on me?! I don't think I'm at all attractive, I don't know what she sees. Plus I have a girlfriend, who I love very very much. I miss her like crazyy, and I think she's losing feeling for me. It sucks. and I know I'm crazy and that she loves me lots, I just wish I knew what I could do to make her more affectionate. She is a lot of the time in person when it's just the 2 of us, but when we're around people she's not, even though she says she loves PDA. Urgh. I think if I was skinnier, everything would be better and fixed. I hate myself for eating. Blehh. :/

What I See When I Look in the Mirror

Yeah. This is how I feel some days.

I am FLAMINGLY Homosexual

Writing A Book! I NEED YOU!

So, yesterday I decided that I want to write a book. I have always wanted to but I never really knew what to write about. "Write about something you know!" is what is always said. Well, I am going to do that. I'm going to write about being a teenager, and how parents don't see our struggles. At this age, in this era, times are harder for everyone and adults don't realize how truly hard it is to live up to their standards as a teenager. So if you read this blog and you would like to submit a story for me to review please type it up and send it to generation_gap55@yahoo.com All stories will be kept PRIVATE, and if you would like an alias to go by in the book please include that name in the email!

Dance Moms? More Like Drama Moms!

Have YOU ever seen this show? Well, this is Lifetime Network's Dance Mom's. The teacher (the fat ass) is Abby Lee. So, she SUCKS. I don't know what she's doing teaching dance to kids when I don't think she can walk up stairs without getting winded. I believe that she should be able to demonstrate.

These girls are between the ages of 8 and 14. Holy shit, don't be so mean to them.

Thinking Leads to Sadness.

I feel so unwanted lately. Like everyone I care for and love would be better off without me. You know that feeling where the whole world is against you and you're fighting back. I'm a peoplsl pleaser its how I have always been. So when I feel like ive dissapointed someone, especially my girlflriend, I feel like I have failed as a person. I'm fat. Not curvy, not obese, fat and chunky. I'm plain. There's nothing special about me. I feel like my girllfriend deserves someone better. Its so hard to sit here and poor my heart out while I cry. Critique me or say I want attention, I just don't know what to do. I love her, I'm in love with her completely. But what if one day she doesn't wanna be with me. What if one day she realizes she deserves someone better looking. Ugh.

What is wrong with people?!

Have you ever heard of this place? Well be thankful if you haven't. I'm watching True Life on MTV (Don't judge this show is the shit, and I like laughing at all the dumb-asses) and Skatopia was this episode. Basically people who love skateboarding congregate in Skatopia, located in Ohio, to get drunk and act like idiots.

They set cars (and anything else they can) on fire. And while some people go for their pure love of skating, this is not for the weak stomached. You will get pelted with rocks, fireworks, alcohol, and ANYTHING that can be thrown. People will get beyond hammered and puke all over you. BASICALLY:

Wanna know more? http://www.google.com/url?sa=t&rct=j&q=&esrc=s&source=web&cd=2&sqi=2&ved=0CF0QFjAB&url=http%3A%2F%2Fen.wikipedia.org%2Fwiki%2FSkatopia&ei=JxD3T6D0L8LY0QGH3oy-Bg&usg=AFQjCNHn9unA294RixRuE1aSyqsEfuEjtg

Being Fat and Empire Girls State

That's what I am. Overweight, hefty, chunky, pudgy, body of a panda, FAT. As you know I'm trying to lose weight. Well FAIL on my part. I went away to a government camp for a week, and didn't work out. I get so busy and lose so much motivation it's difficult. I'm gonna push through, but it's gonna take a long ass time.

That's where I was. At SUNY Brockport University I slept in a dorm and spent my days learning about Politics for 12 hours a day with 365 other girls. It was fun and frustrating, but thankfully I made a TON of new friends who like what I like. I inspired many of them, and I amazed myself. I learned to much and I have a new appreciation for my country. Check out the website at: empiregirlsstate.org

Day 2

Day 2 went pretty well. After lots of studying and a huge ass test, worked out for 40 minutes before work. My abs are sore but I love it!

What I Desire vs. What I am

I wanna look like this:

But instead, I look like this:

Day 1

Day one of working out. Ate unhealthy lunch but worked out hard for an hour. Worn out but feeling great!

Weight loss; The Beginning

Starting weight: 230 lbs. Height: 5 foot 9.5 inches

LOSE IT!

So my next big goal is to lose weight. I'm fat and I know it. I hate it. I think I'm finally in a place in my life where I can do it. I'm not so dependent on my parents so, I can eat what I want. I want HEALTHY. So starting today. Its healthy food, exercise, water lots of water, good amounts of sleep, and organization!! Wish me luck!

I hate myself, I love myself.

I hate being ugly. I sit down, and I see one of my girlfriend's friend's post a picture with my girlfriend's ex. This girl is blonde and a cheerleader. I'm a fat brunette swimmer. I just sit here and cry. I try so hard to lose weight and it's just not working. This summer is going to be my summer to get in shape and do well. I know my girlfriend loves me and thinks I'm gorgeous inside and out, but she agrees that I'm overweight. I hate myself for that and I feel like I'm never gonna be able to live up to the looks of her ex's. I just hate myself in general a lot of the times but I try so hard not to show it. It's so hard...and I hate complaining cause I don't want pity, I just need to vent and all my friends and my girlfriend have heard it a thousand times, do they really want to hear it again? I mean, yeah I'm happy with my girlfriend and my amazing friends. They make me feel loved and cherished, but I don't know how to love myself when I can't compete with that...that...demon! I know she'd never go back with her...I just wish I knew that my looks alone could keep her. Thank god I'm at least a little smart and that I know how to talk, or I would have had no shot. I love my personality for the most part. I mean maybe that ^^^^ could one day be something that you would stop and stare at. Maybe one day this. This person I am, Can be a beautiful head turner. Maybe.

Sad Movies and Revelations.

Fuck sad movies. Making me cry when no one is here to cry with me. Fuck my family for making me feel worthless when I know I'm better than all of them. Maybe the last song is a sad movie but atleast Ronnie's parents let her learn from her own mistakes. Ive learner from mine but still get guilt. Yeah that's life. I hate crying because I'm afraid. I'm afraid that after highschool I'm going to lose my best friend megan and my girlfriend Paula. They're really all I've got now. I don't know where I would be without them. My goals are to finish this school year strong. Have a great summer filled with fun love and work. But also to grow into a better person for myself. I'm going to tell my parents how they make me feel. I'm going to show them I deserve better. I'm gonna show them I'm gonna make it without them.

Never Good Enough!

Wow. Okay so I'm in the top 20% of my class. I was chosen as a representative for my school to go to Girls State this summer. I'm vice president of my class. A member of the national honor society, I have 2 jobs, and I'm still not good enough for my parents. Laying into me about college and scholarships? I KNOW YOU'RE NOT PAYING. So lay off. I'm gonna do what I want, since when have you started caring? Jesus Christ. You know what?

Okay thankssss mom and dad. So here's the plan. Gonna write them letters to show them how stupid they are, and basically just never gonna be home over the summer. Wohoo!

This is Me!

Well, that's me. Not your average lesbian, huh? I take pride in that. Average was something I never wished to be. But trust me, I'm as gay as they come. Yeah it does some times bother me that I don't get the stares from the awed lezies and straight girls alike, but whatever. I guess you may want to know who I am and what my goal is, eh? I'm Sam. That's an obvious one. I'm 17 and going into my senior year of highschool next year. I work hard at my job, I do well in school, and I have the girlfriend of my dreams. What more could I want, you ask? Well, to make a difference. My mission of writing this blog is to help and other Lezies out there feel as comfortable as they can with themselves while I too take the journey to find my real place in this world. So lets do it together, okay? Okay! My parents could really give a shit less about my sexual orientation, and even if it bothered them I wouldn't care. We have problems, but hey. Live and learn. My girlfriends parents and sister are the best. I love them with all my heart and their house is more like home than my own. My best friend is a girl. Her name is Megan, and we're just awesome. We know everything about each other and we've never even had a fight. My girlfriend is the best. She's short but awesome. Strong, smart, funny, hardworking, talented, kind, loving...etc. I honestly don't know what I would do without her. 6 months and going strong ♥ More than anything right now, I'm changing myself. Not to please anyone but myself. I'm on a diet to lose weight, I'm striving to be a better student, a better friend, and a better person overall. My parents want me to stay home and go to the local community college after I graduate but I have bigger plans. I'm a people person, and I want to go into public relations or human resources. Not gonna do that in the shitty state of New York! Well, I hope this post interests straights and gays alike, there will be many more to come with updates on life around me. TTFN.